| In his long career as a soldier, Jack considered that he'd both taught and learned many things. Some he admitted, he'd paid lip service to only. Yes Sir, No sir, three bags full, sir. Other's he squirreled away in his subconscious, retrieving when the need arose. How to drag his sorry ass through a Middle Eastern desert until help arrived was high on his cerebral list. Although, he cheerfully conceded, some things he'd learnt had no use at all. |
| The finer art of peeling a mountain of potatoes, one eye half shut courtesy of a pissed marine sprung to mind. As a younger man, he'd often learnt his lessons the hard way. His old drill-sergeant grabbed the scruff of his neck more than once and purred, "Take the Duke's advice, airman, life is hard, it's harder if you're stupid." Jack found it hard to argue with logic like that. |
| Being a prankster, some of his learning curves were just plain adolescent. For instance, Jack still wasn't quite sure how many drinks he needed to scull before collapsing shit-faced into an inebriated coma. He was always too drunk to keep score. Jack knew that's what your team-mates were for. To watch your six, despite the fact they were rat-assed and barely standing themselves. That's okay; they knew there were plenty of SF's happy to escort them safely to their warm beds. |
| However, there were things he knew that couldn't be taught to raw-boned recruits. They were instinctive, intuitive. Either you got it or you didn't. Identify the threat. If it is, make a decision. Do I need to eliminate it? If not, will it eliminate me? |
| Devastating in its simplicity. |
| However, to be fair, simple, complex, it was all the same to Jack. He did what was needed - end of discussion. |
| Yes indeed. Jack O'Neill was a glass half full kinda guy. He had a happy knack of knowing how hard he could yank that metaphorical tiger's tail, before it bit back and swallowed his career. Stripes, teeth, claws an' all. |
| He occasionally crossed that fine line and he knew it. With a shit-eating grin, Jack didn't care; he could charm the birds from the trees. His Irish Granny had taught him, nobody plans to fail they just fail to plan, and Jack lived by her motto. |
| Mostly. |
| However, with the expected comes the unexpected. Fate can play a mean game of Contract Bridge when she puts her mind to it, and she trumped the SGC beautifully. |
| Weeks later, after all the excitement had died down, and he and Daniel had been restored to their former glory, Jack still wondered if it had all been a late night, anchovy-induced figment of his beer-addled imagination. This, he never discounted. Anchovies have been known to be tricky critters. It's all that darn salt. |
| If anyone had dared tell Jack O'Neill he'd have traipsed across the galaxy as an irritating eleven year old, dressed as a mini, cross-dressing Goa'uld, he'd have popped them on the nose. Or worse. Probably much worse. To make matters worse, he had spent much of the time dodging Jacob Carter, who for reasons Jack was never going to mention, held him by the scruff of his neck, occasionally aiming ill-tempered swats at his backside. |
| The only thing that made this image bearable was that Jacob had an equally firm hold on Daniel. Since Daniel was only seven years old, Jack had at least been the boss of someone. |
| SG-1 received some juicy intel for a planet they called PX-13144 (among other things), and acted upon it with good faith. After all, it's what they do. Daniel was agog. Sam positively raring to go. Teal'c interested, in a sedate, Jaffa kinda way. Jack…not so much. |
| Any intel from the Tok'ra tended to give the colonel gas. Still, he didn't have much say in the matter; article nine of their treaty and all. Sucking it up and plastering a 'bite me' smile on his face, the colonel bore his chocolate brown eyes into General Hammond, praying subliminal thoughts would work a miracle. |
| Predictably, they didn't. It was the drill sergeant all over again. |
| Therefore...SG-1 had a go. |
| Things however, didn't go quite according to plan. The intel was flawed, in oh so many ways. |
| Nothing could have ever prepared SG-1 for what happened on that planet. Even with all his years of expertise and considerable street smarts, Jack still wouldn't have been able buy a clue. PX-13144 had a nasty surprise in store for the colonel and his resident archaeologist, and it happened so quickly, their heads spun. Actually, their heads shrunk along with the rest of their bodies. Arms, legs, feet, fingers, and other assorted bits and pieces. |
| The carefully hidden time capsule that had the Tok'ra so excited wasn't of Goa'uld construction at all. |
| Nuts. |
| Nirrti had never laid a glossy, back painted fingernail on it. The much-anticipated capsule had been a ruse. Loki's idiotic assistant, Puck, suffered an intergalactic brain freeze. Bored without his mentor in madness, Puck decided he wanted to study Jack O'Neill's ATA gene. Keep his hand in meddling as it were. Mindful of why he was alone, ala, Loki's spectacular cloning failure, he plotted and schemed afresh. On the run from his fellow Asgard, he left a false trail for the Tok'ra to follow. Knowing Nirrti's history with SG-1, Puck assumed correctly that the Tok'ra would take the bait to the SGC and implore them to investigate the cryptic messages. Then, he'd spring his cunning trap. |
| However, if Loki was the prince of morons, Puck was the king. With a puff of smoke, his ruse failed in spectacular style. When Daniel opened the capsule, Jack peering over his shoulder, it malfunctioned. Of course it did. Instead of merely checking for the ATA gene, it attempted to re arrange their molecular structures. |
| So close. |
| Nirrti would have been terribly impressed. |
| Teal'c and Sam were mercifully unaffected by Puck's blunder. Jack and Daniel weren't quite so fortunate. When everyone finally awoke, blistering headaches not withstanding, one-half of SG-1 looked very different. The colonel and Doctor Jackson weren't going to have to worry about shaving for a while. Every cloud has its silver lining. Not that anyone on SG-1 mentioned clichés. |
| That just irritated folk. |
| Baffled, angry, and worried, Sam and Teal'c searched their minds for a solution. Reluctant to accept what lay in front of her, Sam Carter checked and rechecked the blackened capsule, while Teal'c paced the laboratory in a predatory fashion. Something Sam didn't fail to notice as she ground her teeth savagely. |
| "Teal'c, these boys can't really be Daniel and the colonel? I mean, these kids must have taken their tags, right?" |
| "I do not believe so, MajorCarter." |
| "Wait…what do you not believe? That they are Colonel O'Neill and Daniel?" |
| "Believe that a child would be able to remove dog tags from a grown man." |
| "So?" |
| "These sleeping children are in fact, O'Neill and Daniel Jackson." |
| "This cannot be good." |
| "Indeed." |
| Jacob's Tel'tak had hovered overhead as agreed in the tumultuous meeting. When Sam sent her frantic message, Jacob briefly wondered if she'd eating something illegal, but came a running anyway. Ringing down to the planet, and looking around with the room with a shiver, he pleaded. "Sam, please tell me those kids aren't who I think they are?" Seeing his stunned daughter give her golden head a nod, he muttered sourly, "I asked you not to tell me that." |
| Handing over the smoking bullet of a capsule with the half-assed theory she'd thrown together, Jacob seethed with fury. Loki's idiotic assistant had managed to dupe the Tok'ra and SGC far too easily. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he heard Selmak preach. "Jacob, what did I warn you? Didn't I tell you not to rely on Aldwin? His intel is often sloppy, but no, you were too busy arguing with Colonel O'Neill to listen to the wisest of us all. The Tau'ri soldier is a thoroughly irritating man; can you imagine what he must have been like as a child? Take my advice pretend you didn't notice him. No one could blame you." |
| Tempting as that sounded, Jacob knew his daughter might object. No, it would be up to him to tidy up the mess, with Selmak laughing at him every five minutes. This he could have tolerated, but the thought of the up-coming conversation with George had him tongue-tied. Generally speaking, he doubted the general would be pleased. He sure as eggs wouldn't have been. Seeing half his team writes up the mission reports with crayons might push the bounds of friendship. |
| Sliding a shifty look at his daughter's paling face; Jacob decided defence was the best offence. "Sam, does George know?" |
| With a sheepish look on her face, Sam Carter couldn't help the subtle whine to her voice. "Pardon me? The General? Well, since the Tok'ra massively screwed up, I thought I'd leave it to you?" Looking at her boots, admiring how boot-ish they were, Sam sighed, defeat staring at her in the face. "Just going, Dad." |
| "Good girl. Teal'c, what have you found?" |
| "I have found nothing." |
| "Fine, keep up the good work." Jacob fought the desire to roll his eyes. "Should you find anything that might throw me a bone, let me know?" |
| "There are no bones here, JacobCarter." |
| "Give me strength." |
| Studying his slowly awakening friends, Jacob couldn't help but think how adorable Danny was. Smacking his lips together, and knuckling his eyes, the tiny archaeologist with the baby blue eyes had the look of an angel fallen from heaven. Jacob's paternal feelings stirred and he resisted the urge to ruffle the messy, fine hair. |
| Jack, he noted, had no angelic characteristics what so ever. He already had the look of a little ruffian. Snub nose covered in freckles, and his reddish blonde hair sticking up in tufts of disobedience, he was no angel. Where Danny moaned softy, Jack let out a howl of indignation, followed by an anaconda type yawn. Struggling to his feet and palming his eyes, Jack pouted like the eleven-year-old he currently was. "Huh? Mom?" Eyeing Jacob suspiciously he muttered, "Nope, definitely not my mom." |
| Doctor Daniel Jackson's eyes flew open and looking around, blinked quickly with confusion. "Huh?" Sneezing and sniffling revoltingly loud, using that time-honoured tradition of small children everywhere, Daniel found his sleeve at the end of his arm convenient to wipe his runny nose. "Mommy?" |
| Rolling his eyes, Jacob muttered," Why couldn't they say daddy? They are just doing to this annoy me, I know it!" Looking at the shiny trail of snot, Jake remembered why he found children...disarming. "Eww, Daniel! Com'ere." Snagging the little boy close, and dragging out his Tok'ra issue, plain brown handkerchief, he thoroughly wiped Danny's nose and face. "Ask for a handkerchief next time, okay, kiddo?" |
| Eyes downcast and bottom lip trembling, Daniel crept closer to Jack, and in a tiny voice asked, "Who are you? Why are you wiping my nose for me? Wait, I know you, don't I? " |
| Pushing the limpet known as Daniel away, a scowl plastered on his face, Jack looked down and snapped, "Oh, for crying out loud! Why do my damn pants keep falling down?" |
| Jacob heaved a great sigh, and folding his arms over his chest, studied the two small forms huddled in the corner of the Tel'tak. "Holy Hannah, how can any of this be possible? A little Daniel Jackson is bad enough, bit a little Jack O'Neill. Why me? What could I have done to deserve that? Shouldn't this be the SGC's problem? They're just hoping I won't kill Jack before we can fix this mess. I have half a mind to ring George Hammond aboard and let him deal with these two." |
| Several long hours had passed since Sam's frantic call had bought him to PX-13144, and trudging through the mud and rain back to the Tel'tak, Jacob complained silently to Selmak, "Well, this is just typical! Why wouldn't it rain and storm? This way we are all wet and miserable." The higher he hauled Danny up his rib cage, the more the little boy wriggled down, pummeling Jacob's kidneys with his feet, and sniffling into his ear. |
| Jacob's patience was fast running out. "Danny! Keep still will you! Now, where's the handkerchief I gave you?" |
| "Her'tis'!" Producing the soggy, hideous piece of material, Danny eyes twinkled with mischief. |
| "Thank you, Daniel. Well? "Not liking the look on the small boys face, Jacob narrowed his eyes in a silent warning. "Dan-iel" Drawing the word out in paternal irritation. |
| Not that Danny noticed or cared. "Why? D'd cha' want it back?" With a flourish, Danny produced the well-used, snot-infested handkerchief, and promptly shoved it into Jacob's face. With the tiniest of grins, the little boy sweetly said, "Blow, Jacob! Good boy!" |
| "Jacob, glass half full, remember." Selmak hadn't enjoyed himself so much in years. |
| "Selmak, why don't you shut up?" Jacob thought a black coffee would wipe the smirk from his face. |
| The weather turned even more appalling, and the slow walk back to the Tel'tak exhausted them all. Not all of the merry travelers were that uncomfortable though. The revolting handkerchief, a gift for life clutched in his hand, Danny snuggled into Jacob's shoulder, snoring with the gusto of a child with adenoidal problems. Completely protected by his oversized jacket, little feet occasionally crippling Jake's kidneys, he was out for the count. |
| Jack stumbled through the mud next to Jacob, wide-awake and very suspicious. His hand protectively touching Daniel's leg at all times, the little colonel shivered under his jacket as the wind howled around his ears. "Are we there yet?" |
| "No." |
| "Crap." |
| "Language!" |
| Jacob had left his ship so quickly he hadn't thought to bring a jacket, and grumbling under Daniel's dead weight, he winced as the rain coursed down his neck. "Things I do for these people." |
| Slipping again, Jack stamped his feet, the mud splattering Jacob's nifty Tok'ra outfit. "Crap! Are we there yet?" Jack constantly bumped into Jacob's hip, part of him needing the physical contact of the vaguely familiar man. |
| "Language!" Jacob shuddered. For a brief moment, he imagined the O'Neill family holidays. Quizzed constantly if they were there yet, the back seat constantly kicked by bony little knees, Jonathon O'Neill would have driven his parent's nuts. "How George puts up with you is beyond me." Quivering, and feeling a pang of sympathy for the late Mr. and Mrs. O'Neill, he saw the Tel'tak and bit down a whoop. "Ah! At last! Come on, inside, kids." |
| "Last chance to lose the little colonel, Jacob!" snorted Selmak," I will swear he was with us last time we looked!" If a Tok'ra could smirk, then Selmak was smirking. He was being thoroughly entertained. "Too late, old friend, he's in!" |
| "Black coffee and a Russian cigarette I think." Jacob felt his sense of humor with his old friend start to wane. |
| Tenderly putting down the sleeping archeologist masquerading as a buzz saw, Jacob turned his full attention onto Jack. "Mm." Jack resembled a drowned rat. His ginger tinted blonde hair plastered against his skull, droplets of water running down the back of his neck, the little colonel looked red nosed and miserable. Studiously eyeing his intended victim, Jacob decided it were time he took command of the situation. "After all," he informed Selmak, snippily throwing back his rain drenched shoulders, "I am his superior officer. " |
| "Good luck! Does he bite?" |
| "Okay, com'ere." Deftly grabbing a warm blanket and Jack's arm at the same time, Jacob ignored the comic relief, and began to strip the colonel's wet clothes. Years of combat training were put to good use, and despite Jack's squirming, he couldn't break the ex-general's iron grip. "More you struggle the tighter I'm going to hold onto ya, Jack. Give it up, little airman." |
| "Nope! Watch it! Oh no, you don't! Give me back my pants!" Jack put up the good fight, but for once, he wasn't too big for his britches. |
| Not swayed by the boy's insistent protests, Jacob continued removing wet, clinging clothes, until Jack stood bare, except for his regulation, Air force boxers. Which instantly slid down. "Oops, too much information there." Tactfully averting his eyes as Jack squeaked, and hauled them up, he battled Jack's drenched hair next." How did you get so wet? Didn't you keep under your jacket like I told you? Never mind, you never listen to a word I say. Keep still! I'm only trying to dry your hair!" This was one fight Jacob was never going to lose. |
| Hair towel dried and resembling a demented porcupine, Jack's eyes were bright with tears. "Don' like you!" His skinny shoulders heaving, he glowered at Jacob, and deciding the stinging swat to his butt must have been accidental, hoped the other people he'd met were nicer. "Where's the others? The scary lookin' linebacker and Blondie? "Dragging up his blanket to his pointed little chin, Jack clutched the blanket with one fist and his boxers with the other. Gathering as much of his tattered dignity as possible, he slid down the wall to his butt. At least his boxers couldn't fall any further. Fidgeting under his blanket, he moaned, "On. For cryin' out loud, where's a pin when you need it?" |
| Jacob sighed, and thinking briefly, decided it would be best if he ignored the Blondie comment altogether. The linebacker he figured was a true assessment. "Sam and Teal'c are checking a few things, don't worry, they'll be here in no time. So, kiddo, talk to me?" Jacob hunkered to his knees, and wondered what he could say to the suspicious brown-eyed boy staring at him. "Do you remember me at all?" |
| Jack shot Jake a skeptical look. "Nope! Okay, kinda. Maybe, I 's'pose. You sound funny though! And you're wearing a dress! Suspicion oozing from every pore, Jack O'Neill scowled back furiously. "You look sooo stoopid." |
| Bristling at the rude retort, Jacob's sympathy backed out, and his paternal outrage took its park. "Well, I remember you, so can the attitude." Pulling himself up and flicking at a piece of imaginary flint on his ornate tunic, Jacob growled his warning. "Clear, airman?" |
| "Yeah, what-ever." Jack rolled his eyes in the universal sign of pre- pubescent ho-hum. |
| "Whatever? Oh please!" Jacob heard Selmak guffaw and hoped his mandible was twisted. |
| Fixing Jacob with as deadly a glare a porcupine could manage at short notice, Jack screwed up his face in thought. Biting his lip, his brow wrinkled, he asked, "Who's an airman? Me?" Nodding at Daniel, "Him?" Wriggling his boxer-free butt further back, the little colonel ducked away from Jacob's out stretched hand and asked, "So, if we are friends, why are you asking if I remember you?" |
| Jacob smiled. "That's my boy." Looking hard at the wary boy's face, he felt a flash of pride for his bravado. Even in the midst of a major shrinkage disaster, Jack O'Neill thought fast. "I think Danny's asleep now, Jack, how about you let him sleep while we chat, man to man?" Jacob patted at the space next to him, "Why don't you come over here?" A quick shake of Jack's head told him the boy wasn't up to that level of trust yet. "Okay, stay there then. "Jacob snagged the last of the blankets and holding it out at arms length, added softly, "I think another one will make sure he stays that way." |
| Jack licked his fingers, and savoring the last of an ancient, hairy energy bar he'd found in Daniel's jacket, kicked his legs out in front of him. Never taking his eyes off Jacob, he said succinctly, "His name is Daniel, not Danny! " |
| "Okay, sport." Deciding he needed to make the next move, Jacob crossed the small space of the cargo hold, and lovingly tucked the blanket around Daniel's chest. "There you go, Danny, snug as a bug in a rug." Smiling at the sleeping child, and keeping his voice calm and positive, Jacob pretended not to notice Jack's grip on the boy increase. "So, are you hungry for something tastier than that prehistoric energy bar? I happen to have candy with your name on it!" |
| Curiosity and a remembered dislike of energy bars got the better of Jack, and he slowly released his grip on Daniel's hand. Blinking quickly, he demanded, "There's candy called Jack?" Craning his neck and peering at Jacob, Jack's eyes rounded with childish awe. Yanking his blanket up around his shoulders, he waited for a reply to his astounding question. 'Cool,' he thought, 'hope its caramel.' As an after thought, "No nuts." |
| "Well, not exactly, it's just a Hershey bar, but it's still yours." Grinning, and throwing the candy into Jack's lap, Jacob watched as the boy tore it open with his teeth and neatly divided it in half. Seeing the quizzical look, Jack rolled a shoulder dismissively, "Daniel and me share everything! Candy, blankets, babes, you know, everything." |
| "Babes, huh? Well it's good to know nothing's changed then, Jack." |
| "Damn straight." |
| "Language! I won't tell you again." |
| "Whatever." |
| Dropping his head onto his chest with a groan, Jacob said desperately, "Samantha? Are you back yet? Teal'c?" Hearing no response and looking at Jack's surprised expression, he muttered," Has to be someone else's turn to mind you by now." Exasperated with getting nowhere fast, Jake felt his paternal patience begin to thin. Palming his eye, he took a deep breath, and decided on the blunt approach. Okay, enough of this crap. "Jack, O'Neill, you will talk to me, and then you will listen to me. That's an order." |
| Wagging his finger in the air with delight, his hand slapped across his mouth, Jack crowed, "Jacob! Language! Lowering his eyes at the scowl instantly sent his way; he swallowed softly, "Oops." Figuring it wasn't in his best interests to push the dress wearing, wild eyed guy too far, he said boldly, "Not gonna tell you nothin' though." Face turning cunning, he added, "unless 'course, I get another one of those Jack bars!" |
| "That a fact? Fair trade I suppose." Patting down his tunic and retrieving another candy bar, Jacob threw Jack a predatory look. "Everything has a cost, son. So, start yakking." |
| "I don't talk to strangers," Jack blurted out, cold defiance peering out from beneath his shaggy, bangs. "Danny doesn't either." Jack's grip on Danny increased and the sleeping boy reacted by moaning softly. "Don'! Tellin'!" |
| The last thing Jacob wanted was for Daniel to wake and distract Jack even more. "Careful there, son, we don't want to wake Daniel". Appealing to Jack's legendary Daniel radar, he whispered behind his hand, "He's just a little kid, needs his naptime." Jacob needed to find out what memories the boys had retained of their former existence, but one at a time. Jack was the oldest, so he'd work on him first. |
| "Jack?" Jacob eased himself onto the floor to sit cross-legged in front of the boy, "Can you tell me your full name?" |
| "No." Jack replied indignantly. |
| "Okay," Jacob sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, "can you tell me what you remember before you woke up in the lab?" |
| "No." |
| "No, you don't want to tell me? Or no, you don't remember?" |
| Jack cocked his head to the side, a cheeky smile crossing his face, "Just...no." |
| Snatching the unopened candy from Jack's fingers, Jacob shrugged, and stood up slowly. "Okay, we'll just have to put these Jack bars away for a while then." The little colonel's face looked so stubborn and defiant; Jacob struggled not to laugh aloud. 'Well,' he thought to himself, 'knowing Jack O'Neill, he won't be able to stay quiet for long.' Tearing open the candy bar, he bit the chocolate savoring the forbidden taste. "Can it, Selmak, this is sound military tactics." |
| "Dad?" Sam's voice floated across the PA system and interrupted Jacob's short-lived moment of victory over the complaining Selmak. |
| "Hey!" Jack whirled his head around, and patted at his chest. Toying with the spot his radio normally sat, he frowned, an important memory scratching at the corners of his mind. "Where's my radio? It's gone! Did you take it? You did, didn't you! Oh boy! Oh boy!" Jumping to his feet, Jack's eyes flashed with fury. "I am so telling! You are sooo gonna git it!" |
| "Git it? Jack O'Neill, will you kindly stop talking like one of the Beverly Hillbillies!" Jacob took a tentative step, but pulled up short, warned off by the boy's raised finger. "You were raised in Minnesota for goodness sake!" |
| "Ahhtt! Keep ya distance there, Granny Clampett." Jack's eyes took on the look of something Jacob wasn't quite so sure about. A disheveled, ginger tomcat possibly. All bluff, spit, and itsy bitsy claws. |
| "Granny? Clampett? Oh, please! Who exactly are you intending on telling?" Whatever paper-thin patience Jacob possessed reached it use by date. |
| This question stumped the little colonel. "Huh? The Navy, of course! Who else? That radio thingamajig belongs to the Navy. I think." Confusion crossing his face, Jack knuckled his eyes and brushed at the hot tears rolling down his cheeks." Give it back!" |
| "The Navy? Riight, settle down. Here you go, can't have you keel hauled." Jacob handed the radio over, realizing Jack's memories were not all there. Jack's bravado was an act, his defense mechanism in trying to cope with his confusion. "See, there you go, you have it back now." Nodding his head, he looked at the radio and said kindly, "Well, click that button, sailor, and talk to Sam." Rolling his eyes and muttering under his breath why bother, he added, "Blondie?" |
| "Dad? Selmak?" |
| "Here, Sam." |
| "Is everything alright there? |
| "Been better, Sam." With a shrug, he added," Cap'n Jack and I were just having a chat." Jacob chanced a quick look at Jack who was still eyeing him with suspicion. "Yep, a nice short, confusing chat.' |
| "Good, I think. Teal'c and I have taken a good look around the lab and I think I've found something that might help us track the renegade down. Puck, that lame duck, has left a flight plan, more of a map really, of gate addresses. I think he's been tagging planets with probes all designed to be activated when they detect someone with the ATA gene." |
| Jacob shook his head, "Sam, that's impossible. How could he hope to detect the ATA gene without a sample of DNA?" |
| "From the notes that I've been able to access, the probe has a proximity alert that sends out a scan when individuals get within range. It's all fairly theoretical to me, but this is the Asgard we're talking about. Daniel's help with translating would be useful at this moment." |
| Stealing a glance at the two children, he sighed audibly, "Well, kiddo, I don't think Daniel's going to be of much help to you. From the brief conversation I've just had with Jack, I don't think their memories are completely intact." Moving to face the view screen on the bridge, he looked out at the bare ground in front of the Tel'tak and beyond to the distant range of mountains. "Sam, can you download any of the information Puck has left behind?" |
| "Already done, Dad. Teal'c and I have pretty much tapped into everything we can here and we're about to head back to you." |
| "Good work. I don't think we really have many options open to us at this point. The only person that can fix this mess is that half wit, Puck." Forcing his attention back towards the two boys, Jacob noticed Jack had succumbed to the days events, and clutching his radio, blinked tiredly back at him. |
| "Well, Jack, looks like we're going on an Asgard hunt." Jacob shook his head and waited for Sam and Teal'c to board the ship. "It's okay though, we'll find the little meddler and you and Danny will be fixed in no time. |
| "Daniel, his name is Daniel!" |
| "Yep, that's what I said. Daniel." |
| "Yes!" |
| "No!" |
| "I said, yes!" |
| "But, I prefer no!" |
| Jack glared at Jacob and then neatly transferred his annoyance to the pile of brightly colored clothes in his arms. With a slap to his forehead, the little colonel squeaked, "Holy Crap!" Sam had been busy altering clothes Jacob had stashed away from a previous mission, but seeing the result, the boys hadn't appreciated her work. Gaudy and over the top ala Goa'uld mode, Jack and Daniel exchanged horrified glances, all but losing the fashion will to live. |
| "What?" Hands on hips, Sam looked at the outfits she worked so hard on, but secretly didn't blame them. Still, Jacob was her dad, and she didn't want to be growled at in front of her team. With a traitorous smile, she suggested they try them on. "Hey, I've seen worse! Remember Nirrti?" |
| Faces screwed into pouts, the boys complained loudly in tandem, "Even a dumb girl Goa'uld wouldn't be seen dead in this!" With the look reserved for cobras eyeing plump white mice, Jack wondered if Sam would hand over the scissors. For the odd alteration, Jack O'Neill style. |
| The gold thread caught Daniel's eyes, and curiosity eventually got the better of him. While Jack was busy squawking and bitching, he leant down and picked up his robes. Running his finger over the long length of gold thread woven into its design, he smiled as a faint memory ghosted over his mind. As if by magic, he found himself transported back to Egypt, surrounded by other children wearing flowing robes. Closing his eyes quickly, Daniel recalled the bustling marketplaces of his boyhood. |
| "Danny?" Sam smiled with pleasure at the look on her little friend's face, and wondered what amused him. Turning around, she winced as Jack's grating voice assailed her once more. "Jaacckk? What now?" Deciding calling the young colonel sir was ridiculous; she slipped into using his name with ease. |
| Lost in a world of his own, Daniel tuned out the ongoing argument between Jack and everyone else on the Tel'tak. "I remember!" he crooned. Pleased with his happy memory of long ago, the blanket slipped, his skinny ribs instantly bristling with goose bumps in the cool air. As he wriggled into the robes soft material, he closed his eyes, giggling with childish pleasure. "Oooh, it soooo soft, Jack!" |
| Jack wasn't so sure. His freckled face was frozen in horror. Coughing and choking on his spit, he swiped at his face; sure Danny suffered irreversible brain damage by touching the hideous clothes. "What? Are you nuts? I thought we weren't going to get into these girlie clothes? All for one and one for all, remember Danny." Taking a step forward and leaning into Daniel's face, Jack hissed, "Take it off, you look like a sissy!" |
| "No." Daniel replied in a soft whisper. |
| "What?" Jack didn't appreciate being thwarted. |
| "I said no, Jack! I like these robes now, and kinda remind me of something." Daniel tugged at the top, pulling the long sleeves down past his wrists. Twirling around and ignoring his spluttering friend, he happily admired himself. "It feels familiar; maybe I used to wear these at the SPC." |
| Jack groaned theatrically slapping the palm of his hand against his head, and cried, "Oh, for cryin' out loud! Everyone knows it's called the SMC! And no, of course you didn't wear girlie clothes, look at Murray over there?" Lowering his voice to a dull roar he said, I ask you, does that look like someone who works at the SPC?" Throwing his hands in the air, the little colonel looked at his friends stubborn pout and conceded he'd lost him to the fashion police. "Okay, you want to dress like a girl then go ahead." Folding his arms across his chest and thrusting his chin in the air, Jack stared at something interesting on the ceiling. "Look like an idiot." |
| In a tiny voice, Daniel whispered, "Aladdin, Jack, these robes remind me of Aladdin, and it feels, I dunno, safe." |
| "You look like a girl!" Jack hissed back. Patting Daniel's shoulder, he added kindly, not really wanting to upset his little friend, "But…if it makes ya feel safe, then wear em." Turning around and glaring at Jacob, he warned, "But not me, I am not wearing no damn girlie dress!" |
| Gold silky pants and a crimson bolero with silver stitching made the eleven-year-old boy in Jack lose what miniscule patience he had. Wrinkling his nose in defiance, he shouted, "They are hideous!" Snatching the pants from the irritated Tok'ra's clenched fist, he threw them against the bulkhead in disgust. Stamping his feet, the little colonel with the ginger tinted hair made his final and oh-so brave stand. "Jacob, can it! I am so not wearing girl's clothes!" |
| Crossing his arms and oozing rebelliousness, Jack marched himself to the back of the cargo hold to stand with a wide-eyed Danny. "Hey, Daniel, we ain't sissy's are we!" Tripping over his too long BDUs, he hitched them up, and grunted. "Nope, no girl stuff for me and Daniel!" Casting a glance at Daniel preening in his robes, Jack grunted, "Well, maybe for Daniel, but not for me!" |
| Ignoring Jacob's irritated glare, Jack threw his hands in the air and with a smug snort, asked lightly, "What?" Sliding his butt down the wall, taking the compliant clothes horse with him, Jack nonchalantly huffed and then polished his nails on his T-shirt, hoping to appear quite the grown up. Sticking his fingers into his ears, Jack raised his voice in song. "La, la, la, can't hear you!" |
| Jacob took a deep breath and counted to ten. None of this was going to plan, and he felt his nerves start to fray. The pint-sized version of Jack O'Neill was every bit as aggravating as the grown up version. Swallowing his overwhelming urge to box the little colonel's ears, Jacob took another deep and calming breath." Jack O'Neill, stop that darn racket! I will say this one more time; they are not girl's pants! Do I look like a girl? We can't take you down to the planet dressed in oversized BDUs, and Sam has spent a lot of time taking these clothes in to fit you. Trust me, you'll be more comfortable." |
| With a thunderous pout, Jack shook his head earnestly, "No! Crap! I mean yes, you do look like a girl! A real stoopid girl! No captain would be seen dead wearing gold pants and a sissy top!" |
| "Stoopid girl? Do you want a smacked backside again, Jack?" |
| "No!" A nasty suspicion of the so-called accidental swat crept into Jack's mind. "I'll make you walk the plank if you even think about swatting me! Not that you have already. I would have noticed that. So, don't even think about it…again!" |
| "I'm thinkin' Cap'n, I'm thinking!" |
| "Captain?" Sam jumped to her feet, and standing in front of Jack, felt she shouldn't keep quiet any longer. Her father was losing face, followed closely by the battle of wills. "Captain?" Why would you say that? You were a colonel, not a captain!" |
| Puffing his chest out, and bouncing on the balls of his feet Jack-in-the- box style, the little colonel's voice suspiciously wavered, "C-captain! I'm a captain, why can't you sea slugs remember that?" |
| "Sea slugs?" Sam felt her ears burn. Before her father actually killed her commanding officer, she added hastily, "Uh, sir, um, Jack, you're a tiny bit...confused. You were, actually still are, a colonel in the Air force. Between you and me, you claimed to hate the Navy!" |
| "What? Hate the Navy? Me? Are you nuts? "Jack raised his chin in defiance, and stabbing a finger at his own chest, said with a tremulous voice, "I am a captain in the Navy! This...I remember clearly." Confusion and doubt entered Jack's mind, and sliding his eyes from the faces studying him, he squawked with a false bravado, "Yep, indeedy! A Navy man, that's me. Yo- ho- ho, and a bottle of pop." |
| "Pop? "All the tension in the Tel'tak seemed to disappear, and the room's atmosphere became hilarious. Sam hummed a sea shanty, and Jacob closed an eye and made arrgh noises. Everyone laughed, except Captain Jack; he was far too busy flushing crimson. |
| "Stop laughing at me! I am a captain, and Daniel is my crew!" |
| "Uh-huh, is that a fact?" Jacob looked at the cross little face, and sighing, saw the irony in Jack's stubbornness and determination to include Daniel in his life, no matter what. Thinking carefully, he knelt, and taking Jack by the hand, said kindly, "Well, Captain Jack, what makes you think you are in the Navy?" |
| "B-because," Jack stuttered, hating the knowing look on Jacob's face, "I l-l-lovvee t-the w-w water!" Stamping a foot and folding his arms over his chest, he added as an after thought, "So there!" |
| Raising his head and peering crossly from behind his shaggy bangs, Jack was shocked to see the different reactions on everyone's face. Jacob appeared to be arguing with himself, and losing the battle. Teal'c looked somewhat stunned, and lost for words, opening his mouth and then shutting it again firmly. Sam held her hand to her mouth and struggled to keep from laughing. |
| Sighing with a sinking feeling that he might just be the cause of everyone's amusement, Jack voiced his annoyance. In a familiar loud and grating tone. Guaranteed to make his audience wince. "What? Why are you all looking at me like that? This is no way to treat your Captain! Fine, give me the damn dress then." With a groan, Jack felt his BDUs slide past his knees and settle onto the floor. Clamping his eyes shut, he knew the waft of cold air meant his boxers had joined them. |
| With a cry of" Holy crap!" all of Cap'n Jack's dignity fell to the floor. Painfully reminded of the difficulty of maintaining any semblance of Captaincy with one's pants around one's ankles, Jack resigned his commission. |
| Pirouetting gracefully, enamored by his golden robes, Daniel, aka Aladdin, agreed it was for the best. |
| "Jack, please, son! Be reasonable!" Jacob threw his hands in the air, eyes a little wild and desperate. Holding Jack's Air Force boxers between his fingers, he snapped, "We cannot pin these shorts to those pants! They are just too darn big!" |
| Jack's eyes rolled back into his head, his mortification complete. "Hey, if I packed 'em once, then I'll pack 'em again." Wriggling his hips and daring to glance at the direction of his groin area, Jack lowered his squeak to a more manly level, "So, there!" |
| "What's wrong with your voice? It's because you got drowned isn't it!" Jacob pinched his nose and mentally counted to ten. "Give me strength!" He'd managed to get the boys into their new clothes, but it had been a battle. Jack had refused blankly to go commando. "What?" he'd asked, his face a mirror of confusion. "What am I? A bloody marine?" |
| Jacob snapped his eyes shut beads of sweat beading on his hairless lip. "Jack O'Neill, if you cuss one more time, I swear you'll be licking soap from the roof of your mouth!" Folding his arms over his chest, Jacob converged on the gulping little colonel. "Any flavor take your fancy?" |
| With a shake of his head, Jack clamped his jaws shut."Mpffhh!" |
| "Figured that might be the case." With a casual toss in the air, the ex-general pocketed his bar of Tok'ra soap. |
| Sam could see the morning turning catastrophic. Her peacekeeping hat pulled firmly over her ears; she attempted to sooth Jack's ruffled feathers. "Now, Jack! Dad just means you will have to go without underwear until we can find something better." Leaning close, her breath ghosting Jack's ear, she whispered her final warning, "Oh, doesn't matter what flavor you pick, they're all horrible!" |
| With a shudder and casting a furtive glance at Jacob, Cap'n Jack conceded defeat. With a wide-eyed blink, the young sea dog opened the top of his over the top gold pants, and staring with suspicion at his groin, muttered, "I don't remember doing that in the Navy!" |
| If Jack was unenthusiastic, Daniel bordered on delirious. "I like my butt feeling the material," he chortled, waggling his bottom back and forth in a chicken dance. Grinning, and with his seven-year-old tact bubbling to the surface, Danny discussed his anatomy cheerfully. |
| Jack listened to his little friend with grim horror. His eleven-year-old sensibility outraged, he'd have preferred to chew his arm off than discuss his privates out loud. |
| Glaring with loathing at the silky gold pants, and the shiny, purple bolero, Capn'Jack O'Neill eventually saw reason. Dressed in his trashy Goa'uld garb, he kept one hand tucked into his waistband, as a matter of precaution. Mentally picturing his pants followed by his over sized boxers sliding to the floor, his eleven year old's blood turned to ice. Born with a fighter's spirit, and like the ace he was, Jack didn't go down easy. |
| "This sucks!" In an act of childish rebellion, a purple, glossy, over the top button flew across the floor. "Oops! Incoming!" |
| "Yeah, incoming!" Daniel parroted Jack happily, word for word. |
| "Shut up, Daniel!" |
| Daniel shrugged. Chatting to himself and picking at the gold thread in his robe, he was in principal, un-offendable. Bored, he decided to ignore the cranky naval captain wannabe, and become Jacobs's right hand man. The ex-general was appalled. His style of parenting had been more...old fashioned, favoring the children should be seen but never heard, mode. Daniel didn't prescribe to this theory; he cared and shared his opinions, his complaints, and his discrete farts happily. He chatted like a magpie and was oblivious to Jacob's twitching right eye. "What is that God-awful smell?" |
| Shaking his head, ignoring the guffawing Selmak lurking in the corners of his mind, Jacob wondered if it were politically incorrect to gag a seven year old. Deciding to risk it, he clamped his hand across Daniel's mouth, and grimaced as the small boy licked his hand. |
| "Oh, for cryin' out loud!" Jacob scrubbed his licked hand over his head, hanging onto his rapidly fleeting patience by a thread. "Stop it! Okay, here's the plan. Puck is on one of these planets, so we just need to find which one." Walking around the control room, hands clasped behind his back Napoleon style, Jacob ran through the intel they had gathered. Puck's list of planets was neatly listed and extremely thorough. He'd left gate addresses and even brief descriptions of each world. "You nit!" Jacob muttered to Teal'c, "ever heard of the word covert?" |
| Shrugging the clinging Daniel from his arm, Jacob urged the little boy to find Jack and continue tormenting him. Watching him skip away, Jacob marveled at the close bonds the boys had. Men or boys, Jack and Daniel plain connected. |
| "Okay, kids sorted. Sam, bring me those co-ordinates you found in his lab. Teal'c, do you know any of these planets?" With a snap of his fingers, the Tel'tak became the command centre, and tactics discussed, rejected, and finally agreed upon. The first planet finally selected, Sam organized the boys, and whispered into their ears that her dad meant business off-world. She begged them to behave. "Daniel, honey, no more lifting your robe and showing Jack your butt, okay? Jack, act out, and Dad will make you walk the plank!" |
| With an energetic nod from Daniel, and a shrug from Jack, the travelers ringed down to the planet, determined to find Puck the duck. Called the first planet, the boys were awe, struck by the busy bazaar they wandered into. Ringing down a safe distance from the main square, Jacob had been unaware of the llama herder who'd seen them arrive. Fear turning to amazement, he'd run to the village and breathlessly told them of his discovery. |
| When the troupe finally arrived in the village square, the entire population gathered and silently gawked at them."Ah, Dad?" Sam ushered the boys behind her while smiling pleasantly. Teal'c took point, and with his head held high, stared the chieftain with the ridiculous ostrich type feather in his hair, down. "We are travelers and mean you no harm." With an arched eyebrow, Teal'c growled," that does not mean however, that I cannot." |
| Bowing, and with his customary, lily livered manner, Abdullah, the weasel of a chieftain, threw open his village. "Of course, we are honored to have such important people visit our unworthy village." Kicking at ducks and geese, he groveled next to Teal'c, his ostrich feather wilting in the heat. Eyes darting to the left, the chieftain grabbed a passing crone and offered her services. "She is yours for the taking!" |
| "She is not. Leave us." Teal'c shuddered. |
| Dodging the kick to his ankle and the bite to his ear, Abdullah released his mother in law's arm. Albeit, reluctantly. "She moves quickly for one so fat." |
| Ignoring a potentially unpleasant domestic scene, Jacob swiftly sidestepped the cowering, cowardly, Abdullah. "Okay, we need intel and we need it fast." Nodding at Sam and Teal'c, he suggested they mingle and make themselves popular. "Find out if we are the first strangers these people have seen. They seem far too accepting." As an after thought he murmured, "Ask the mother in law, she's on the ball." Laughing as Abdullah slunk away, ostrich fever cruelly snapped in half, Jacob thought Puck would be right at home in this village. |
| Rapping Daniel gently on his head, he smiled and said, "I'll ask around the markets, and buy underwear for our farting flasher." Looking pointedly at SG-1's brightest and best, fiddling with his robes, Jacob sniffed, and coughed delicately. "Daniel? What did we discuss on board? What do polite little archeologists not do in public? Especially when they are near Selmak?" |
| Grinning, his freckled face shining with innocence, Daniel sung out, "NO farting! It's rude and smells awful!" |
| Jack collapsed. |
| During the initial haggling for the clothing, the boys managed to quietly edge away. "Okay, this is a nice shirt, Jack. Jack? Daniel? Boys?" Turning around, Jacob groaned as a flash of gold and purple darted through the crowds, fleet footed as a llama on speed. |
| "Holy Hannah!" Jacob heard Selmak scream with laughter. |
| "Dad!" Sam helpfully pointed her finger, "There they go!" |
| "I see them, Jacob Carter." Teal'c took after them, darting and weaving like a track star he probably was. |
| OoO |
| Captured and brought back to Jake's tender mercies, the boys were suitably chastened. Daniel hoisted on his hip, and Jack's arm firmly held, the Jaffa warrior ceremoniously handed them over to the incredulous Jacob. With a stern wag of his finger, he growled, "Okay that little bit of insubordination means you boys will be on kitchen duty for an extra shift." Herding them back towards the racks of brightly colored clothes, Jacob vowed to use every dish on the ship. Twice. |
| Every time Jack tried to wriggle away, Jacob caught him. Wary and on his toes, the canny Tok'ra didn't intend on spending the hottest part of the day chasing hyperactive boys through the narrow alleyways. Hissing into Jack's ear that he was in grave danger of having his butt accidentally swatted, Jacob had the children suitably terrified. |
| Trailing silk tresses rustled in the hot breeze. Odd shaped hats, sturdy work boots, and shirts of every shape and size were hawked for sale. Rushing up to the strangers, greed and optimism etched on their faces, the sellers pleaded their case. "Master, this way! If you buy from Kareem, a thousand fleas will infest your lower body hair!" Understandably outraged at such a casual character assassination, Kareem and Hussein traded blows and insults, much to the delight of the boys. |
| Sighing and stepping over Kareem's prostrate body, Jacob enquired where he could purchase under garments…child sized. "For yourself?" wheezed the triumphant but slightly battered trader, blood trickling from his crooked nose. |
| With a steely determination, Hussein's good wife, Jezebel, beat him back, and with subtly and tact, picked up an undergarment the size of a boat sail. Batting her one eye at Jacob, she crooned, "This is more likely to fit a man of your manliness! Ignore my husband, his brain and gonads are similar in size." |
| Spluttering, Hussein bled some more, and slunk into the shadows to collapse. |
| Clearing his throat and wondering if anyone was going to check on the comatose Hussein, Jacob asked politely, "Now, I want something soft, not scratchy or coarse." Fingering silk shorts, the Tok'ra Selmak took front stage. "These are perfect; purchase the gold ones, and the emerald green pair with the fancy stitching." Arguing with each other like an old married couple, Jacob once again lost sight of his slippery charges. |
| Jack took his chances. Daniel's hand firmly clasped, they skedaddled. "Com'on Danny, let's make like hockey players and get the puck outta here." He maneuvered Danny into the centre of the bustling market, and smelling the food, the boys salivated. "Oh, smell that? Com'on, we hafta to get ourselves some of this." Gazing at the street hawkers with huge, desperate eyes, the runaways silently begged for treats. The sellers didn't mind groveling to Teal'c, but two small boys were another matter. Narrowing their eyes and picking up sharp cleavers, the vendors threatened dire consequences if they even considered stealing their wares. |
| Jack listened to the threats and thought fast. He was hungry, and given their dubious behavior on the planet, he doubted if supper would be forthcoming. Hearing his name bellowed by Jacob, he jumped, and glaring at the hawk nosed trader, said, "Hear that majestic roar? That's my Dad! He's the most feared of all System Lords! All I have to do is mention this disrespect and he will shred your brains! He is known as The Great and Powerful Oz, King of all the Goa'uld and your village will be in his naughty book." |
| The hawker listened carefully. He, like the rest of the villagers, came from a long line of cowards, and hearing fear and the brain shredding in the same sentence reduced him to tears. "Oh, young master, please, do not tell your father of my identical twin brother, Hackmed's stupidity! Here, take this food as a gift. Tell your father I will disembowel my brother." |
| Sensing an easy victory, Jack resisted the urge to hi-five his devoted fan, Daniel. "As punishment for your brother," Jack held a delicate finger to his lip and knotted his brow in thought, "he will hence forth be known as Dorothy!" |
| Bowing and scrapping, Hackmed's identical twin brother made sure the goat meat he cut was the leanest and juiciest. Throwing in icy pomegranate juice, the boys waved their hands in the air graciously. "Well, my good man, I may over look your insolence, if you can tell me where I can be made a gift of certain godly garments." Crooking his finger and beckoning Hackmed to come close, Jack explained his dilemma. |
| Hackmed was horrified. "What? You are bare assed? In a market place? In this market place? "Appalled, and casting furtive looks over his shoulder, Hackmed questioned the Kingly father's wisdom. "Come," he groveled, "I will take you to our finest robe maker, he will have your royal cheeks covered in no time." Grabbing Daniel's hands, the trader begged, "Master, do not raise your robes! Something's are best left private! What is that terrible smell? Has my wife's mother been here without my knowledge?" |
| While Jack and Daniel were demanding free food and comfortable, hand stitched boxers, the villagers whispered about the new and dangerous travelers. They are gods of power and cruelty, they despaired, and they are here to take all of our undergarments. Lord Jacob is testing us; he has sent his sons into our market, with Cameral the Suspect only one stall away! He tests us to see if we are worthy! We must prove we only wear the finest of under clothes, even if we do not. Cameral heard the whispers and stalking to various traders, demanded the suspect be dropped from the covert whispering. "I do not like camels! That is a lie!" |
| While the debate of Cameral's preferences raged, Sam and Teal'c joined in the frantic search. Hearing their names called repeatedly, the boys ate their treats and looked at each other with growing concern. "My Lord Oz, the King of the Goa'uld, sounds a little pissed," Jack groaned. |
| Daniel thought the afternoon was spiraling into unknown territory. Scraping his finger in his cup and scooping out the icy, pomegranate juice, Daniel chewed his pink stained lip thoughtfully. "Jacob wouldn't really smack my bottom would he? Not with my new, llama trimmed boxers on?" |
| Scanning the stalls for the boys, his face getting redder and angrier, Jacob found himself catapulted with hundred of pairs of knickers. Every color, size, and make was strewn in front of him, and shaking his head, he roared, "What is wrong with you people? Do I look like a model from Victoria's closet?" |
| Brushing the attacking undergarments from his head and shoulders, Jacob was immediately taken aback as a g-string with fur bobbles hooked on his collar pin and slapped him in the face. Plucking the offending item off, he held it in the air and muttered through clenched teeth, "Jack!" |
| OoO |
| All of Daniels worst dreams came to fruition. Sitting on their cots, dignity in tatters, the Princes of the most evil of all Goa'uld, rubbed their royal asses. Jacob, gigantic, pink bloomers hanging off his shoulder, had finally caught up with the runaways. Marching them back to the Tel'tak via the rings, he had made good his promise of accidentally swatting their llama line boxer clad butts. Horrified, desperate, and shifty, the colonel and his archeologist desperately tried wheedle out of any unpleasantness. Taking Jack by the arm, Jacob assured him that'd he'd heard it all before. |
| Desolate, Daniel promised he'd never run away again; and definitely never even think about baring his backside to passing llama herders again. His hand over his heart, Daniel Jackson vowed never to fart in public whilst perched on Jacob's hip. Tears tracking down his face, he asked when supper was likely to be served. Running around the market gave him an appetite |
| Red faced, Jack mumbled his contrition, and wondered how a man of his naval experience could possibly end up being swatted. "I'm sure there are rules about this! If only I had my Navy rules and regulations book!" Sniffing, Cap'n Jack sighed. |
| OoO |
| The kafuffle in the market place had been carefully observed. Watching with solemn, blinking black eyes, Puck saw SG-1 trudge to the rings, whisked away by its bright, white lights. Swallowing nervously, Puck tuned out his communication device, and plotting a course, hoped he'd stay one-step ahead of the frightening Lord Oz and his team of under wear stealing avengers |
