| Jack approached Daniel's office, his friends' usual bolt hole when things got sticky. There was no denying they were as sticky as they'd ever been at the moment and Jack was undeniably responsible. |
| Approaching the door, Jack gently palmed it open, the slow creak breaking the stillness that engulfed the small room. Casting an eye over his friend's familiar sanctuary, it was soon apparent that it wasn't as it once had been. |
| Papers, parchment and ancient rolled reference material lay ripped; strewn over the floor and table. Mixed Artifacts once admired and handled with such care lay broken and scattered across the now damaged shelves. It was difficult to place a foot in the room without standing on what could be the remains of some irreplaceable piece of a distant planet's heritage. |
| Jack bit back a curse as he watched the once undisturbed ancient dust of long lost worlds hang in the still air. It wouldn't take many guesses for him to know who'd done this. He shook his head and sighed with regret as he gently eased some broken pottery fragments aside with his foot. |
| Carefully stepping amongst the pitiful fall out of the once loved room, Jack strained to listen for his archaeologist. Daniel might have been out of control when he'd run from Jack, but he wasn't completely stupid. He'd never try to leave the mountain alone, regardless of his ranting. |
| "Ja-ck?" |
| The broken voice of his most precious friend met Jack's ears. It sent a feeling of fear flooding down his back bone, numbing his senses and actions in a way that only a child's pained voice could. |
| Struggling to wade through the jumble more quickly, Jack headed to where the call seemed to have emitted. |
| "Daniel?" |
| Peering into the deepest darkest corner of Daniel's office, Jack spotted the small, frail body that sat curled up tightly against the dark grey corner. He struggled to his knees, crouching to reach the source of the familiar, questioning voice. |
| "I...I can't live like this, Jack," the voice whispered. |
| Jack could see small hands clasp bony knees and clench a little harder, knuckles a little whiter than before, if that was possible. |
| "Daniel, we'll fix this," Jack offered quietly as his own hands reached forward subconsciously. |
| "This i-isn't me." Daniel's head moved to one side slightly, making his dark blond bangs fall over the stretched white knuckles. |
| Jack was struggling, he didn't know what to say, but he knew he had to say something. |
| "I know." It felt pathetic and not enough, but he had nothing else. |
| Without warning, beseeching blue eyes flashed at him from the dimly lit corner. Tears were rolling down the pale cheeks unchecked. Jack could see the salty droplets splash in the undisturbed dust that had collected in this usually unseen place. |
| Watching the strained lips being softly chewed so persistently with tiny baby teeth hit Jack like a gut punch. It didn't seem to matter how many times he saw his friend like this, it never failed to break his heart. |
| "Jack…I'm afraid." As the tiniest breath left the child that was now Daniel, Jack watched his friend grasp his head to his knees, fingers entwined and pulling at the scruffy strands, "I can't do this," Daniel hissed, his anger now mixed with the confusion, tears and the desperation that he was undoubtedly feeling. |
| Jack could feel the corners of his eyes stinging; he was struggling to look, to acknowledge his mistake. |
| "I'm sorry, Daniel." He offered. To have said any more would have betrayed him completely. |
| Jack could hear the sobs starting to shake the small body, any front for Jack's benefit of being in control long since gone, but no answer or acknowledgement of Jack's absurd apology. |
| "I couldn't let you go, Daniel." The words came from Jack's mouth unhindered, truth in every selfish syllable. |
| The small body visibly stiffened, only shaking a little with each rasped breath. Jack knew Daniel, even in this small body he was collecting his thoughts and feelings, ready to take on the galaxy on if necessary, regardless of the emotional cost. |
| From the head buried in dirty cut off jeans a tremulous voice emitted, "I was in pain, Jack." |
| Jack winced, he could see tears trailing the grubby shins of his friend and the once white T-shirt was covered with grime. He had done this; Jack's own pathetic need had done this. |
| "I know, Danny," he murmured. Jack had finally made it to sit on the cool floor himself, regardless of his own bodies complaints. He couldn't leave his friend here, not like this, even after everything. |
| Daniel's head lifted again, this time his face was fixed, angry and looked much older than its current thirteen years. The older Daniel was always clear to see in those cold blue eyes when his mood was right, "I asked you to let me go, I trusted you," he whispered. |
| Jack could feel eyes piercing him, waiting expectantly for the answer Jack couldn't give and Daniel knew it. |
| Jack ran a hand through his spiky graying hair and sighed heavily, "I can't say sorry enough Daniel, what more do you want from me?" |
| He had a lump in his throat the size of Cheyenne Mountain; they'd been through this before. Jack knew he'd been wrong; he'd tortured himself over the decision. He could do guilt, regret, the whole nine yards, he did it constantly. It was killing him from the inside out, little by little, bit by bit, but Daniel had never had enough and there was a part of Jack that wanted the agonizing reminder of his choice as his penance. He would never stop Daniel from questioning him until this had been fixed. |
| Daniel was now on his hands and knees, crawling from the hide away and visibly seething as he got up close to the older man. "I wanted to die, Jack! I wanted what Oma offered me, not this child's shell!" |
| Jack covered his face as the boy beside him climbed to his feet, shouting and ranting. Jack knew that body, he'd been trying to look after the man within it for the past eight weeks; they all had. Trying to nourish and sustain it without the owner's cooperation. It was emaciated, scrawny and bruised from lack of caring by the soul that festered within its small confines. |
| It was a losing battle; Jack was tired of the fights, the screaming and the abuse. Daniel would accept no help; he fought enforced infirmary stays, refusing to let Janet put him on a drip on more than one occasion. When he hadn't been starving himself, he'd appeared to be eating normally, only to regurgitate any or all of the food he'd eaten. This was the start of the current argument. Jack had found him making himself sick. He'd seen the skinny ribs the kid had tried so desperately to cover and berated him self for not recognizing this current self destruction Daniel was putting himself through. |
| The battle for Daniel's mind and soul seemed unending and sometimes unwinnable and Jack was starting to doubt his ability to fight it. He even doubted his right to try and fight it after taking his friend's choice away from him so brutally and without real understanding. The child and the man were punishing Jack's mistake in the worst possible way that they could; by hurting themselves. |
| "They won't fix this, Jack," Daniel taunted more quietly now, his face close to Jack's ear. |
| Jack felt a clammy hand rest on his shoulder. He knew that this wasn't really Daniel talking; Janet had said earlier that malnutrition would cause mental instability, but it didn't stop the pain of the accusing words. |
| He looked up into the eyes of his friends now recognizably gaunt features plastered with a fake smile, the dim light highlighting his protruding cheek bones. |
| "You could fix this, Jack," the quiet childlike voice offered with false nicety. |
| "I can help," tried Jack, his own voice breaking as he looked up from his seated position, wanting more than anything to hug the lonely, pale figure before him. |
| "Kill me, Jack," the child whispered. |
| Like a knife in the heart the words pierced Jack's soul. He couldn't speak. He tried to find his friend in those empty blue eyes that now stared at him without emotion or recognition of the friends they had once been. |
| Staring back and realizing what he'd lost, a tear coursed down Jack's own cheek without warning, his voice seized in his throat. If he hadn't lost him already, Daniel was slipping away from him faster than he wanted to admit. |
| Hearing familiar voices coming closer, Jack tried to form words. He expected his friend to see his pain, his loss and the battle raging in Jack's own mind in these horrific moments, but the child didn't move his face was unchanging and cold. |
| "Daniel!" |
| The name shouted was piercing as large hands came forward to physically remove the child that Jack was struggling to reach. The actions to him were like watching a scene being played out somewhere else, not here. He could only focus on the emotionless face whose eyes still watched him, waiting for an answer that Jack could never give, without doubt, wanting to hear Jack say that he'd grant the death sentence that he'd previously denied his dearest friend. |
| "I hate you, Jack," the child hissed bitterly through gritted teeth. |
| "I love you, Daniel," breathed Jack, his voice hurt and broken. |
| Another hand rested on his shoulder now, it was warm and squeezed some life back into his bones, even though he still felt cold to his gut. |
| "He didn't mean it, Sir," the voice consoled. |
| Jack nodded, another tear rolling down his cheek, "He did, Carter, he did." |
| ~here~ |
| Jack watched from the infirmary door. Daniel sat on the bed, his skinny knees tucked tightly under his chin once more. There was so little left of the child, how he managed to hold himself up was a mystery in its self. |
| Daniel looked clean now; Janet had obviously managed to get him to shower, one of the little things Jack had struggled with every day. Everything had been a struggle. Eating, sleeping, washing, dressing…living, it had all been the most horrible struggle. |
| When Daniel, his friend, was there in that small body, the reasonable intelligent man, sometimes, he needed Jack. Sometimes he wanted comfort, a friend, somebody to be normal with, but that wasn't very often. In fact, the need for anything had become less and less as time passed, the want diminishing along with the eating and the speaking. |
| Eating had never been his friend's strong point, but since this disaster it had been nearly non existent and Jack now knew that what Daniel was eating was soon being bought back up. With the declining nourishment came the ever declining moods, more shouting, screaming and bitter, painful accusations. |
| Jack had never wanted to be the kid's father, he had wanted his friend. It was his fault what remnants of his friend remained were so bitter and distant. Jack should have let him go; he knew that now, when Janet had quietly taken him aside and told him there was nothing that they could do. Jack should have let his friend die… |
| "Colonel?" |
| Jack jolted from his reverie. Not having realised how obvious he was being. |
| "Yeah," he gave a wan smile, meeting that of the tired looking doctor. |
| "Come and have a seat, Colonel, in my office." |
| Janet gently patted his arm and smiled encouragingly. She more than anyone knew what Jack had been through. |
| He walked stiffly into the small room and dropped into the plastic chair opposite her desk. Papers were piled higher than Janet would have normally let them get, a sure sign of the difficult weeks they'd all had since Kelowna. |
| Jack chanced another quick glance at the bed Daniel was now lying down in. |
| "It's okay Colonel, he's sleeping. I've given him a sedative." |
| Jack turned back and nodded without losing the blank expression. He felt emotionally numb. |
| "We need to talk, Sir." |
| Jack's head snapped back to Janet's face, his attention having wandered again. |
| "Yes." |
| He could see Janet giving him the once over, but if the truth be known, he really didn't care. |
| "The situation with Daniel is rapidly becoming untenable, Sir. He's going to need professional care beyond my expertise and sooner rather than later if he's to make any sort of recovery from this." |
| Jack's attention slowly strayed back to the small sleeping form in the bed, the same bed his friend had recovered in so many times before, as Janet's dooming words washed over him. |
| "Colonel? Are you listening to me?" |
| Jack quickly looked back at Janet's now frowning face, "Yeah, doc, I'm listening." |
| "Maybe I can take him home, give you both a break, sir. You look exhausted if you don't mind me saying." |
| Jack shook his head, "He won't go with you, doc. He's made it perfectly clear he'll only stay with me." |
| Daniel had been very verbose about that from the outset, although Jack didn't know why. |
| "With all due respect, Colonel, he's a thirteen year old boy, even with that older mind in there, I think it's time we started to do what's best for him and not what he wants all of the time." |
| Janet's words where harsh, but probably true. Looking back at where the child slept again, he nodded as realization dawned upon him. It was to torture Jack; Daniel knew exactly what he was doing. He'd only stay with Jack to make his life unbearable and he knew Jack would never say no to him, Daniel knew Jack owed him. |
| "No Janet," the colonel said flatly. "If you can treat him this last time, I'll do my best to turn things around; he's my responsibility, doc...my friend." Even with the harsh thought taunting him, Jack would never give up on his friend. |
| Jack could see Janet's face crease with annoyance, even though she didn't voice it. |
| "Just this once, Colonel, if there's no improvement, I'm admitting him to mental health, no questions." |
| Jack forced a small smile onto his lips, "Thanks, Doc." |
| "And for your information, Sir, he's actually my friend too," Janet accused coolly. |
| Jack acknowledged her frustration with the situation when he met her eyes and read the unspoken worry in her look. |
| "I know, Janet and I'm sorry," Jack offered sincerely. |
| "Me too, Jack." The petite doctor stood, making her way from behind the desk while watching the colonel carefully. Without warning she placed a hand on his shoulder, "You should let us all help, Sir." |
| Jack looked at her honest and open face, knowing and feeling hurt that he hadn't seen that in Daniel's face since the incident, "I can't, but thanks." |
| Shrugging away, Jack struggled to his feet without verbalising the pain from his cracking knees. He had to make this right, one way or another, and he had no intention of giving up on Daniel, not ever. |
| "I'm going to get some sleep, Doc, call me when he wakes." |
| Janet nodded, but didn't smile this time. He knew she was annoyed with him for carrying the burden of this around on his shoulders alone, but that was his way. His mistake, therefore he would be the cure. |
| o0o |
| "Sir?" |
| Jack felt a hand tugging his shoulder, rousing him from sleep. His eyes felt dry and sticky and his mouth was following suit. He hadn't really eaten properly for days, along with consuming massive amounts of caffeine in the fight to stay awake. |
| His dreams had been filled with visions of Daniel asking him to 'let him go.' That damned Oma woman standing there so serenely, trying to take the nearest thing that Jack had to family away. The mere thought made him angry, how could Daniel ask him such a thing? |
| But then again, what right did Jack have to refuse? |
| Daniel hadn't needed his blessing to ascend; he could have gone without asking Jack. Daniel had wanted Jack's understanding, but the older man couldn't willingly let go of such a valuable soul, he wasn't that strong. |
| Daniel's ultimate test of friendship and trust, and Jack had failed it spectacularly. Now they where both paying the price for Jack's weakness, of Jack's need and Daniel's unfaltering trust. |
| "Sir, he's awake," the gentle voice breathed, still grasping his shoulder. |
| Jack turned and looked back from his position facing the cold grey wall, "Carter?" |
| "Yes, sir." |
| Jack could hear the sympathy in her voice and knew, without really catching a glimpse of her face, the small smile that played on her lips. "Give me a minute, will ya and then I'll be out." |
| Jack shifted his weight, shrugging from the touch, ready to get to his feet. He could sense his second in command still at his back, a peculiar trait born from too long in the field together. |
| "Let us help, sir." |
| Jack turned fully, now dropping his feet to the floor, "I can't, Carter. He won't let me." |
| Sam's face showed all the concern needed without saying it. She'd been trying desperately to support Jack in the past weeks, but Daniel had clammed up whenever she'd come near. Jack knew that it had torn her apart knowing that the child wouldn't speak to her, when the man before had probably opened his heart to her nearly as much as he had to Jack. |
| "I'm so sorry, sir," she offered with a watery half smile. |
| Jack returned the gesture, "Me too, Carter." |
| "I'll still stay with him, if you want to have a break. I don't care what he does, you can't be expected to deal with him alone all of the time, sir." |
| Sam had taken on a more forceful and military stance in the space of Jack's tired words. Jack could tell emotional Sam was being sidelined for the military Major. |
| He sighed, "If it makes you feel any better, Carter, okay." |
| "It does, Sir," she nodded and left the bunk room. |
| o0o |
| Daniel rolled onto his side, drawing his knees up to his middle. He searched the room for signs of his 'oh so good friend,' Jack. All he could see in the dimly lit infirmary was a haze of light spewing from Janet's office and the shadow cast by the cold food on his small table. |
| He lifted one frail arm up slightly, to look at the canulla that sat just beneath his nearly transparent skin. The thought passed through his mind to pull the offending object out, but he knew that wouldn't do him any good. He'd heard Janet; she was ready to ship him off to mental health, surprise, surprise. He needed to play this cool if he was going to get to go home with Jack again. |
| Placing his cold arm back beneath the sheets, Daniel rolled over a little and managed to see the infirmary entrance, the stark corridor lights cutting through the dull hew of the darkened room. |
| He remembered this place, the agony of what he had been suffering, mentally and physically, and the release offered to him by Oma. Life's many pains had become too great and a feeling of real belonging had been lacking. What Oma had offered him would not only have expanded his ever hungry mind, but also cleanse his soul. |
| A selfish act some might think, but eternal enlightenment and the chance to shed all of life's unwanted baggage were tempting gifts to a man that had suffered so much at the hands of so many. |
| In making his decision, the one thing Daniel had never allowed for, was that the one person he had ever truly formed a bond with during his life was unable to understand and embrace his opportunity. The person he trusted and loved the most prevented his move onto a higher plane with one small word...'no.' |
| In that instant Oma had sensed Daniel falter. He should have been ready to go...he should have known Jack better. A tear coursed down his cheek, maybe he did know Jack better, maybe he wanted someone to say, no, to say they needed him? |
| Daniel swiped the errant tear from his face with the back of his hand. He hated his hands, they where so small and insignificant, just like he'd been as a child. His body was now a reflection of everything he despised of himself. |
| At least as an adult he could stand tall and try and make a difference, use his knowledge as a weapon while others used their fists or guns, but in this body he was emotionally and physically weak. He'd always been a child that other children didn't particularly like because of his abilities, but that didn't guarantee his acceptance into the adult world either. Being a child prodigy, orphaned and rejected by the only family he had, only re-enforced the perception that he was almost, untouchable. |
| Of the many things in Daniel's childhood, his over intelligence and orphaned status had been the biggest curse. Being back in a child's body bought all of his once forgotten self loathing back with a vengeance. |
| Of all the things that could have happened to him, this was his biggest nightmare and he was living it. And because of one man, his ultimate peace had been ripped away. |
| Oma, unable to take Daniel due to the seed of doubt planted within him, had continued to ascend her subject, but then gave him back his human form almost immediately, however due to the power expended to carry out this small feat, Daniel took the form of his thirteen year old self and not the man he had once been. |
| Oma had somehow known of Jack's need and wanted to end Daniel's suffering. This, she had said, was another chance for both. |
| More tears rushed down his cheeks, stinging his sensitive skin. He could taste them as he rolled back quietly to his side the salty fluid spilling into his mouth, tears of anger, uncertainty and pain. Scrunching his fingers into the crisp cotton sheets, Daniel balled his fists tightly and muffled a sob. |
| Would he have seen his parents and wife once more, if he'd have taken that path anyway? |
| He couldn't lay all the blame at Jack's door, the doubt must have been strong enough within him for Oma to have done what she did, but it would never stop him hating himself or from striving to have, what had been so cruelly ripped away, replaced. Here and now, all he wanted was to die and ascend and watch his supposed friend suffer, but the love that he felt from Jack was still overwhelming and he knew, unconditional. He could never admit it, but he suspected that he would have managed to end this sorry existence much sooner if it hadn't have been for the older man and it was tearing him apart. |
| Jack cared and Daniel didn't want him too. Daniel had underestimated his friend and he hated it, yet felt thankful at the same time. He hadn't known that kind of love for so long and to be face with it now was like a double edged sword. Turmoil replaced what had once been such a certain feeling of isolation. |
| Everything was a mess, a disaster ultimately created by his own stupidity, on a planet that meant nothing to him and he knew it. Jack was just the brunt of all his self loathing and Daniel wanted to end it now. Or did he? |
| TBC |
